Movies of Myself

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

Oh my god, one of the satellite radio stations we usually listen to at work has recently morphed into pure awesome. It plays swoony hits from about 5 - 10 years ago and I simply cannot get enough of it. Backstreet Boys, Savage Garden, old school Mariah. Seriously check it out:

All My Life - KC & Jojo

Fading Like A Flower - Roxette

Flipping Roxette, you guys. Seriously, when was the last time you thought of them?? And when "All My Life" came on I kind of had a moment. I was walking up and down the hallway explaining, "this is my JAM, y'all. Close to me you're like my mother, close to me you're like my father..."

It's funny how you might dismiss pop hits as cheesy and lame when they're actually in the Top 20 but, after a few crucial years pass, you just adore them when you hear them again. My favorite flashback has been this song:

Back For Good - Take That

Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song
and I'll sing it.
You'll be right and understood. 

Oh my god. SO heartfelt, AM I RIGHT?? Seriously, this song is so sing-a-longable. I think it's the teasing falsetto notes. LOVE you, song.

And as I was singing along, I realized for the first time that "Back For Good" has one of the best lines ever:

"GOT A FIST OF PURE EMOTION".

FIST of emotion, you guys. Epic. That is like, what I am feeling deep within my heart AT ALL TIMES.

And I can't stop saying it either. I was accused of acting the fool, when I know I have not. FIST OF PURE EMOTION. That's me.

Lots of people sorting things out with me at work before I leave for the week. It's making my head spin. "Can you ask me later?? I am a FIST OF PURE EMOTION right now." 

Yep. Amazing new macro.

Now all I wanna do is have fun with my loved ones, the thug ones, relatives and my cousins.

Hey honeys, long time no macro! Shall we?

Don't Stop, Get It Get It! - This phrase comes from a number of songs, but I most closely associate it with Ice Cube's "You Can Do It". This macro, of course, is used to express unbridled happiness or enthusiasm. Appropriate scenarios:

--"We're having pizza for dinner."
--"Yummy pizza? Don't stop, get it get it!"

or maybe,

--"Dude, I still get so excited when I think about Barack Obama getting elected."
--"Me too! Don't stop, get it get it!!!"

You Can Do It - Ice Cube  (please, for the love of god, listen to this)

Cheeseboy - My friend's son had one of his preschool classmates over for a playdate, just the sweetest little Irish girl with long red pigtails. Everything was going swimmingly until he decided, in quickfire three-year old fashion, that he suddenly wanted nothing to do with her. "Go away, cheeseboy!" he tells her. "Cheeseboy, don't touch my toys!" The poor little girl was so taken aback. Use this macro for anything and everything that chaps your hide.

What Do You Know? You Like School - This was an insult that my sister, The Pod, and our cousin Aaron used against his sister Tiffany for years and years. They were always aghast at her inexplicable enjoyment and anticipation of each school day and they took advantage of her gusto to lay the smack down on her at every opportunity. "What time is Sponge Bob Squarepants on?" someone would ask, and if Tiffany answered, "three o'clock and again at four-thirty", either my scoundrel sister or Aaron would blast her with "What do you know? You like school!". This was especially harsh when Tiff was actually correct. It was always hilarious, but it's a wonder she never got angry. "Where would you guys like to eat lunch?" I'd query. "Mimi's Cafe?" Tiff would happily suggest. "No way!" the other two would leap in. "That place is for losers who like school!"

IsTheBomb.com - This further expounds on the base phrase "is the bomb" which I adore so much. This one's simple and straightforward, but you can have a lot of fun with it:

--"I can give you a ride to the airport if you want."
--"Really? You are so awesome!"
--"Yeah, you can send your thanks to beckietran@beckietranisthebomb.com"

or perhaps

--"You know what sounds really good? A piece of pie."
--"Seriously. BostonCreamPieIsTheBomb.com"

She's a hunter, you're the fox.

A new macro might have been born today:

b: Last night I dreamt that I was out with my friends and I kept anxiously insisting that I needed to buy a backpack. They were like, "But, Beckie. You're already wearing a backpack!"

n: You were walking around with a backpack on?

b: Yes! It was the forest green Eddie Bauer backpack I carried all through high school. The one that claimed to be waterproof, but yeah right.

Later:

We're listening to a satellite radio station called "90's Hits". It was only a matter of time before "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base comes on.

a: I used to bump this song!

b: Yeah, I can see that.

n: Were you all dancing around to it in your Hammer Pants?

a: No, my parents never let me have Hammer Pants, but M.C. Hammer was actually my neighbor! It was back when he was just starting to go bankrupt. I think this song was popular then. Fricking awesome Ace of Base, man.

n: When I was in fifth grade I had a dream where Ace of Base were my best friends.

b: Well, I had a dream where Ace of Base was in my backpack. And when I told people I wished I could get Ace of Base in my backpack they were like, "But, Beckie. Ace of Base is already in your backpack!"

All That She Wants (cover) - The Kooks

Macros are the Bomb

Okay, I told myself that the next time I wrote a post with macros I would make a Macros category in the archives. And it was so. Now, go forth my lovelies, and spread the glory of macros so that they will multiply and bring lolz throughout the land.

Snervous - Miss Liddle got really worked up before the Super Bowl, probably due to the four beers she drank. She kept saying that she was "so nervous, so nervous, so nervous" until finally one time she was "so snervous." Since then we've expressed any and all levels of concern as being snervous.

Frog's Alive! - Vasco de Gama has become so timid again and spends all his time hiding out in the pagoda. The first day he did this he floated motionlessly for so long that I was certain he had died. I was just about to move the whole contraption and scoop him out when Snoop Froggy Frog poked his head into the pagoda and startled Vasco right out of there. I was endlessly relieved and couldn't refrain from shouting out "Frog's Alive!" Use this macro as a proclamation of triumph against the odds.

How Do I Beat the Real Merlin? - Several of my friends are addicted to Super Paper Mario right now so tips, tricks and questions are flying all over the place. This one, received by Nikki in a text message, is my favorite, because it implies that there is a fake imposter Merlin. We use this macro while problem-solving; "I want to carpool with you, but the restaurant is halfway between both our houses. How do we beat the real Merlin?"

Girl, shoot. - This macro that Tiff made up has an accompanying hand motion of smoothing your fingers through one side of your hair. I've used this picture of my head on a tropical beach at sunset to illustrate. You should say it in response to being rightfully accused of doing something sly or embarrassing: "Hey, did you switch these place cards around so that you could sit next to that cute boy from human resources?" "Girl, shoot."

Do you like to eat cheesecorn? - Isn't Pirate's Booty great? God, I love this stuff (and the very similar white cheddar corn puffs from Trader Joe's). Years ago some d-bag tried to sue the makers of Pirate's Booty because they claimed it made them gain weight. I happened to be listening to the Kevin & Bean show on KROQ when they were talking about the case. Ralph kept ranting, "Maybe you got fat because you can't stop stuffing your face with cheesecorn!" Since then I've carried a torch for the word cheesecorn. It makes me laugh, but it just sounds so gross. We've been addicted to Pirate's Booty at work lately and I've told everyone about my cheesecorn crush. Now we say this during moments of otherwise awkward silence. Oh hell, we just say it all the time for no good reason at all. That's the sign of a great macro.

I'd like to try a Gummi Bear flavored smoothie.

Friday Macro:

Juice Club burned down.

Before there was Jamba Juice, there was Juice Club. Literally; the owners later changed the name of the smoothie store, opened a few more branches and the rest is history. The original Juice Club was located in a strip mall in Palo Alto, right by Stanford, and when Kerry, Sophia and I used to visit Caroline on campus, it was our favorite place to hit up.

One particular weekend, after we'd spent literally weeks anticipating our smoothies, we practically screamed out "Juice Club" when Caroline asked us where we wanted to go first. The tragic news hadn't reached us in Berkeley. "Juice Club burned down," she had to tell us.

Dang. It's like an iron curtain of disappointment fell between us and our smoothie dreams. I wish I could've seen the looks on our faces.

I'm perhaps 5% Cookie Monster, too.

Thursday Macro:

Sam the Eagle

I come across a lot of people who are nervous, earnest and slightly stern, with just a smidgen of, oh, complete batshit crazy, sprinkled on top.

These people, they're like Sam the Eagle, who just happens to be one of my favorite muppets. I wish I was a little more like Sam the Eagle, though, alas, I'm probably too cynical.

I see myself more like equal parts Rowlf the Dog, Animal, Count von Count and Statler & Waldorf.

Peace.

Hooking up words and phrases and clauses.

Wednesday Macros, Special 2 for 1 Deal:

"Um, um...I" and "Excellent! You got A!"

During my senior year of high school I was forced to take a ROP elective course entitled "TV Productions".

Counselor: So for third period you can take TV Productions or PASCAL programming.
Beckie: PASCAL? Isn't that the class where no one gets an A?
Counselor: If you get a D on all the tests you can get an A in the course. But most students get all Fs on the tests.
Beckie: So um, tell me more about this TV Productions.

My counselor described it as "a class where students will master camera usage, script writing, sound dubbing, lighting, film editing, acting and directing." I'm sure he would've been disappointed to know that it was, in reality, "an hour during which I eat Doritos, talk all kinds of trash and scramble to finish Physics homework."

The teacher, Mr. B, was fine with my lack of effort. The class didn't involve a single homework assignment, quiz or exam and, as long as you didn't break anything or use too many cusses, you were guaranteed to pass. Mr. B, previously a grocery bagger at Ralph's, was just happy to have a job where he got to yell at kids and watch t.v., I think.

Despite my non-participatory status, I probably have more memories from TV Productions than the rest of my classes combined. Barely a day passed without some bizarre occurrence. Example: one day about two months into the class a student found a life-sized ALF puppet in a desk drawer. For the rest of the semester we worked every creative bone in all of our collective bodies striving to somehow incorporate the ALF puppet into our shows. Skateboarding instructional tape? Grab the ALF puppet! Nirvana music video? Hells yes, ALF! Family Feud parody? Uh huh, ALF in the hizzle.

Because that's the thing. Television actually was successfully produced in this class. All of it written, filmed and spliced together by a motley gang of twenty-odd high schoolers who barely knew each other. I don't think you can possibly fathom just how terrible these shows were.  I think my favorite one had to be an infomercial entitled "The Tongue-Tied Translator".

A quartet of Junior girls were always jonesing to get their scripts filmed. This time they'd written about a service that could help you out during those awkward moments, like being called on in class when you didn't know the answer. All you had to do was drag a smooth-talking person called the Tongue-Tied Translator along with you everywhere.

On the day shooting began I was having none of it.

Mr. B: Beckie, you haven't done jack crap for three weeks. Go man camera two.
Beckie: NO! I've got a big quiz to study for! Can I do sound?
Mr.B: Every time I put you on sound, you record the Smurfs theme song over half the scene. You're an extra today. We're filming a classroom scene, so just take your book and sit at that desk.

Tongue Tied Translator, Scene I, take one. Action!

--A "teacher" would call on Joseph and ask, "Tell me, what's two plus two?" Joseph, mortified, would shoot straight out of his chair and say , "Um,  um, ..I".  "That is NOT answer!"  bellowed the teacher, a sweet, small sophomore girl who had recently immigrated from Taipei.
--Cut to the infomercial host who explains how much easier life would be with the Tongue Tied Translator.
--Back to the classroom. "What is two plus two?" queried the teacher again. Up shot Joseph and the Translator. The latter confidently intoned, "That would be four, ma'am." "Excellent!" she answered. "You got A!"

I think we had to film this scene about fifteen times to get different camera angles and also because I fucking busted up laughing during almost every take. Each time Joseph said "Um, um...I", belting out the three strong, almost musical, syllables, yours truly would be fighting within an inch of my life not to completely lose it. Then by the end of the scene, when I'd gathered my cool again, the little girl would cheer "You got A!" and I'd be in the shit all over gain. I think I almost hyperventilated twice within forty five minutes.

So these are long beloved macros which have served me well. Please use "Um, um...I' when something surprising or unexpected happens and you're unsure what to say. And I'm sure anyone would like to hear that something they said is, "Excellent! You got A!"

I've actually eaten marlin jerky before. It's not bad.

Tuesday Macro:

Fish Don't Sit

For the past year or so I've shared part ownership of a gorgeous betta named Fish Jerky.

Through this period Fish Jerky has graduated from his initial plastic cup home to a nice-sized medium bowl. Because his long streamer-like fins are so fragile, we've not been successful at finding decorative touches to place in his bowl. Everything with an even remotely sharp edge tears the hell out of the guy. Fish Jerky's got one small ceramic turtle at the bottom of the bowl and he seems happy enough with that.

Last week someone asked me, "does the fish ever stop and sit on top of the turtle?" At the time the question was raised, I'll admit, I was not in a good mood. I was rather flustered, over a number of small unsubstantial things and so, the question ticked me off.

"Fish don't sit," I replied, stonily.

They just don't. The 'Fish Don't Sit' macro has since been used as a reply when someone aks a redundant question or when there's nothing you can do to help someone. It's a little snarky, and pretty disheartening, but that's how it is. Fish don't sit. 

They brought a big old Asahi.

It's Macros Week!

It is. I've decided. Because I miss them.

First up:

"I want a big beer."

Spoken by Joel at Yo-Yo Sushi happy hour, after a really effed up day at work. The waitress came to take our order and I put in for a soju drink. M chose some type of saketini. Joel made a motion with his hands that indicated a beer stein that was at least six inches across and said "I want a big beer" as his order.

Use this macro whenever you need a stiff drink.

Shoop da Whoop

Amy and I were totally bumping this on the way home from Berkeley yesterday: What Goes Around, Comes Around - Justin Timberlake

I totally paid an entire 99 cents to download this song because, first of all, it's immensely listenable, but also he says "my heart bleeded, girl" when he breaks it down at the end. Bleeded. That's some funny shit. I'm gonna try to incorporate this into my own speech as much as possible. New macro!

Speaking of which, I have spent entirely too much time recently on Encyclopedia Dramatica. I got sent the link to TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL and was so entirely enraptured; I forwarded it right away to John and then went back for more. And why shouldn't I love this site? There's tons of memes and macros and you know I love that junk. I've become especially captivated by this page and have looked at it way too much for anyone's good. The Gallery is just...terrific! I want a shirt with the picture of Dora the Explorer on it. Estoy cargando mi Laser. Oh god. I can't stop looking at it. The page on diabeetus is also good. Seriously, I look at this way too much. But what can I do?? It's just such a bizarre collection of...just go take a look at it and see. Lulz!

Movies of Myself Lexicon II

More general unhealthiness on the Beckie Tran front, so I've gone into non-socialization mode for a couple of days. But I can still imagine talking to you guys, and these are the phrases I'd use. More macros, for your pleasure:

Upset Stomach, Diarrhea! - Please, please tell me you've seen this commercial for Pepto Max. We cannot play chinese jump rope together anymore if you haven't seen it. It's utterly bizarre and ingenious. Why is Paul Bunyan terrorizing people? And how does a robot come down with indigestion? This macro is used when a difficult situation presents: a: She hasn't returned either of my emails and her cell phone is suddenly disconnected. b: Upset stomach, diarrhea! **bonus points if you actually perform the diarrhea butt grab.

So am I!! - Under the Specialties column at Dusita's Thai restaurant you'll find two interesting items: Chicken Run (But not fast enough) is one of them. Har, har. Corny, but slightly amusing. Then there's Duck Run (So am I!!). What? What is the meaning of this? I've given it a lot of thought, and for the life of me I cannot figure it out. It's the perfect all-purpose macro: v: There's too much whip cream on this frappuccino. t: So am I!!   or  b: I mean, who doesn't want a sexier baby? j: So am I!!

Up Shit Creek - I haven't heard this phrase in so long that when I randomly said it to Chris this past weekend I shocked myself into utter merriment. We were discussing what would happen if Rivoli shut down so, yes, this macro is best used when something harmful, but non-fatal, occurs. t: Get me the 7-Up. w: I bought Sierra Mist. Is that okay? t: It is when you've drifted up shit creek!

The capitol of Jabooty is Jabooty. - I was surprised to see this Coke ad on tv again this week. Shante first started saying this to me last August. But this can't be the original source of this phrase. Does anyone know where it actually comes from? It's a good retort, in myriad forms, when someone says something tres obvious: v: These marshmallows are so soft. b: I know. I bought them in Jabooty.  And yes, I am aware that it's actually Djibouti. So am I!!

Ghost Ride the Whip - Celeste introduced me to this hifey phrase, describing lunatic car shit that people in the Bay Area attempt when they are feeling way too fast and furious for their own good. Apparently it's one of her nicknames, which I think is hilarious. Use as a synonym for "cool": n: They're carrying Heinz Salad Cream again at Safeway! b: Yes!! Ghost ride the whip!

Coca-cola chicken kentucky fried cheese yes - Kerry told me about this Kevin and Bean segment in which they interview "Anthony Kiedis" (Ralph). In order to mock the sometimes nonsensical RHCP lyrics, Ralph replies to all of their questions with one word answers prefaced by a string of tomfoolery. This was one of those strings. K&b: Are you excited about the tour? AK/R: Coca-cola chicken kentucky fried cheese yes. Another multi-functioning phrase to add to your Swiss Army knife of macros. God, I'm just passing them out left and right toay!

Juice is soft - Remember the jingle for Wrigley's Juicy Fruit gum? Good old o.g. Juicy Fruit (none of that Strappleberry junk for me!). Well, I always thought the chorus went "Juicy Fruit it's gonna move ya. Juice is soft, it gets right to ya!" I asked Chris and James recently, "Why is the juice soft?? How can juice be soft?" That's like saying "the pink hug" or "a sour scream". It almost makes sense, but falls short. I've posed this question now to many people but have yet to find a satisfactory answer. I did however, remind people that there are lyrics to this jingle besides the chorus. Magnificent lyrics. Remember this?

Get your skiis shined up,

grab a stick of Juicy Fruit,

the taste is gonna move ya.

Take a sniff, pull it out,

the taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth!

Juicy Fruit, it's gonna move ya.

Juice is soft, it gets right to ya.

Juicy Fruit, the taste, the taste, the taste is gonna move ya!

Oh! I almost forgot to explain macro usage here. "Juice is soft" describes something pleasant, pretty or cute. I.e.: j: Tyler is a sweetheart. b: He's a tidal wave of adorableness. Juice is soft. t: Juice is so soft.

Mmmm, macros.

I cannot stress how important a great sense of humor is to me. It comes right after kindness and dependability on the list of qualities I look for in my friends. And trust me, it's not a distant third. I once knew an incredibly smart, sweet and beautiful boy for about six months, but I could barely muster the energy to hang out with him because I never once laughed at anything he said. He didn't think I was no Jerry frickin' Seinfeld, either.

I love to laugh. Who doesn't, right? But really, I crave The Funny. And I've recently figured out that my friends and I find macros incredibly hilarious. We use them constantly and there's times when new macros pop up every damn day. Hence, macros usually come and go, but there's some old school ones, too. When we can't find the right words to say, we usually call on the "tongue-tied translator" (eleven years old!) Or when something is extra enjoyable, its "2 Showers good" (six years old and counting!). And Sophia, I thought you might like to know that I am trying to somehow re-incorporate Son of Baryshnikov into our lives.

My two recent favorite macros:

• Dan Lloyd - Dan was a guy I went to high school with. He was a sports supastar and actually a very nice dude. But he had his quirks, one of which was to take his penis out and place it on people's shoulders at these post-game mixers attended by cheerleaders, football players and their friends. This one action has made high-school era Dan Lloyd into a demi sex god in our macro dominion. John is especially enamored of this macro and often gives us the sage advice "Dan Lloyd would do it." Moment when I realized Dan had achieved true macro status: We were getting into our car when a couple came up to the truck next to us, leaned up against it and got into an extremely awkward makeout session. The girl was straight up just staring at us the whole time. "Let's go," I said. "They're giving me the creeps." John's reply--"I wonder if she's had sex with Dan Lloyd."
• "Get that corn outta my face!" - So I saw Nacho Libre a few weeks ago, and it was disappointing. But much like Jared Hess' other movie, you can mine ironic nuggets of comedic gold from it when discussing how much you didn't laugh during the actual viewing of the film. Chris asked me if I'd seen the movie and I was explaining my ambivalence towards it. "Have you seen it?" I asked. "Get that corn outta my face!" he said, hand motions and all. Since then I've given this macro steady employment. Really does the trick at the office.