This week has been bullcrap. On top of our Christmas travel woes my anxiety has sharpened to a razor-sharp point, especially over everything to do with our upcoming wedding. It's funny, you'd guess that I would be obsessed with all things related to our wedding since I work in the industry and really do like it. But most days I brood wistfully over how much I wanted elope to New Orleans, and how that would've suited us about ten thousand times more than all this tedious traditional drivel. Don't get me wrong - I want to get married more than ever. I just went about the actual wedding thing wrong.
Couple all that with the usual holiday stresses and my unusually insisent, frequent and lingering bouts of depression in 2012 and I am currently at the point where 98% of me cares about absolutely nothing at all. I know that I've gotten "into a state" because I'm doing that thing again where I randomly say, "shut up, god, just shut up already". Even though no one is saying anything. I'm probably just talking to my own brain. I guess that makes me seem like a weirdo? Well in the words of the inimitable Charlie Brown:
I think I finally reached some sort of tipping point this evening where not even one single additional fuck can be given, which is probably a good thing because my entire family will be at our wedding shower this weekend and I am slightly on the outs with some of them right now (yes,for the 4,305th day in a row). I've been super nervous that some stupid situation will arise where I overreact wildly to some utterly insenstive and judgemental blasphemy cast upon me (see??) and become Butthurt 4 Lyfe. Even when normal people talk to me in a normal fashion lately I'm all like
If someone says something rude or even passive agressive to me? There will be blood. Since there is a million percent chance that someone in my family will tell me that I have done something dumb and will then tell me a dozen better things I could do instead, it's a good thing that I do not have any shit left to give. Instead of being pathetic and scrambling on the D, I think I'll bust down there, tell everyone what is going down, delegate some boring crap and bounce. No questions will be taken. Don't like it? There's the door. You can find your way over to it yourself.